


memories I have of you won't leave me in peace

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst and Feels, Complicated Relationships, Friendship/Love, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sibling Love, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:20:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26515855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: "I'm looking for my brother." she says, her voice trembling with hopeless desperation "I'm looking for Javi."Yuzuru shivers, feeling goosebumps raising on his arms and he thinks absently that maybe it's time to move from the shadow."I'm sorry." he says, smiling with what he hopes is sympathy "I don't know anyone with that name."(aka a story about love and friendship, and how they can defy everything)
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu, Yuzuru Hanyu & Laura Fernández
Comments: 14
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I know I have 3788875 things going on, but I got this idea yesterday evening and it didn't want to leave me alone (especially at work haha), so I just had to follow the feeling :P But I swear this one will be a short one and we ain't getting over 3 chapters, pinky promise! Anyway, I have fun with this one and I hope you will too!  
> Title from "The West Coast Of Clare" by Andy Irvine.

_Don't let go, please, don't let go._

_I'm here._

Yuzuru wakes up suddenly, eyes snapping open and blinking against the darkness, heart pounding hard and making his chest tighte uncomfrotably. He groans and rubs his chestbone, trying to ease the sudden pressure, and it takes him a few moments and deep breaths he calms down, tension seeping out of his body, taking the last remains of sleep with him.

Yuzuru groans again, annoyed, and props himself against the pillows into a half-sitting position and reaches for his phone to check the hour. It's a bit after 3AM and definetly too late or him to be awake, but he knows falling back asleep will be a challenge. He almost can't recall when was the last time he slept well, and maybe it's better if he doesn't dwell on that.

He puts the phone away and shifts into a full sitting position, stretching his legs and then gently rolling his left ankle, not even wincing when a hot arrow of pain pierces his muscles. It's still there, of course it is, but he can't deny things are going better, slow yet steady. If only he could stop waking up in the middle of the night, that would be perfect.

Yuzuru sits in his bed, letting his thoughts wander and absently trying to recall what the dream was about, but his tries fail, like they always do. He can't remember what keeps on making him wake up with his heart pounding like in anxiety. Sometimes he feels like he can almost grasp it, in that fleeting second after being called back to reality, but it always slips away, and all Yuzuru's left with is that uneasy feeling that there's something missing, and annoying knowledge that since he has no idea what it is, he can't get it back.

* * *

The training goes well, despite his lack of sleep, and only that damn salchow is still acting up, landings ugly and wobbly, and he has to grit his teeth not to grumble in frustration, especially when Nam wipes a real pretty quad just in front of him. But he'll get there, he just needs some time, and focus, and probably a better sleeping schedule. And well, Brian seems happy with the progress so Yuzuru should be too, probably.

He looks up at the wall where the plaques with the names of the medallists are, and like usual, the sight fills him with both pride and some anxious excitement that he was ought to do more, that his journey is far from being finished. The next games are just two seasons away and it feels like every fibre of his body is aware of that, crawling in anticipation.

"All good there, Yuzu?" Brian calls out and Yuzuru flinches, turning around to look at his coach.

"Yes, sorry!"

"Not a problem, we'll be wrapping up in a second." Brian smiles "Join Gabby and Elisabet, alright?"

The girls are gossiping about something during most of the class, and Yuzuru lets the words float through his brain without leaving too much impact, and they're not trying to rope him into the conversation. That was how things were between them, friendly and distant, and Yuzuru wasn't bothered by that in the slightest; although sometimes he caught himself wishing he would have some teammate he could be closer with. It's an odd, surprising feeling that always makes Yuzuru uneasy, because it's not what he really imagined himself desiring, a rival and companion at the same time.

Yuzuru shrugs, shaking the thought away, and smiles at Tracy before leaving the ice, bending for a second to let his fingertips graze the cold, smooth surface.

When he checks his phone in the locker room, he finds a text from his mom, telling him that she would be late to pick him up, stuck during running some errands in offices, so he uses that extra time to take a shower that's quite longer than usual, and then he puts a cap on his still damp head and walks outside.

It's late afternoon and it's hotter than in the morning, so Yuzuru sits down on the nearest bench, on the half that is in the shadow, and closes his eyes, letting out a deep breath. He doesn't do that often, having a moment like that, so for a while he just allows himself to enjoy it, but then the sound of nearing footsteps startles him, his heart skipping nervously.

"Sorry." a young woman says, stopping a few steps away and sending him something that's probably supposed to be a smile but looks more like a grimace "I didn't want to scare you."

She didn't scare him, but he feels uneasy approached by strangers, having had some unpleasant experiences in the past. The woman doesn't seem threatening, just incredibly tired, exhausted to the bone even, but Yuzuru's body still tenses as he glances around, checking if there is someone with her.

"Can I... help you?" he asks carefully and she bites her lower lip as if she's about to cry. There's some kindness in her gentle features, Yuzuru notices despite everything, but it's overshadowed by the paleness of her cheeks and shadows under her eyes.

"You don't know me." she mumbles and Yuzuru shifts uncomfortably, not liking there this is going and hoping someone would appear.

"I-"

"I'm looking for my brother." she says, her voice trembling with hopeless desperation "I'm looking for Javi."

Yuzuru shivers, feeling goosebumps raising on his arms and he thinks absently that maybe it's time to move from the shadow.

"I'm sorry." he says, smiling with what he hopes is sympathy "I don't know anyone with that name."

She sways on her feet like she's about to collapse, and Yuzuru's instincts make him jump up, reaching for her.

"Are you okay?"

She doesn't answer, just looks at him, with big and gentle eyes in the colour of chocolate, and there's something that makes Yuzuru freeze, just for a moment, feeling like she saw her somewhere before.

"Of course you don't." she whispers, taking a step back "It's only me." she adds, so quiet it's barely audible, and then she walks away, almost running, and Yuzuru watches her go, feeling just like when waking up from his unnamed dreams- confused, and that something is really, truly wrong.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm having real fun, I hope you do too!

Yuzuru wakes up at dawn after a few hours of shallow sleep, and lies on his back, watching how shadows on the ceiling grow and move, and his thoughts swirl around, vivid and nagging. That time he isn’t trying to remember his dreams, too occupied with recalling that strange woman he met the day before, somehow not able to get her out of his head. 

Usually he doesn’t come back to that, his life filled with meetings like that, fans and strangers, way too many faces for him to remember. But for some reason he can see her so vividly, a tired face and big eyes that seem to be haunting him. He can’t help but feel like he knows her, like he has seen her before, and he replays their short conversation in his head, feeling a little bites of anxiety. She seemed to be so desperate, so upset, and Yuzuru feels guilty for not trying to help her. He remembers her having an accent, suggesting she was from abroad, and that only makes Yuzuru’s heart clench a little, because he knows it so well, to be in a new place, and she apparently had even more problems. 

“Oh Yuzu, are you okay?” his mom asks with worry when she walks into the kitchen in the morning and sees him sitting by the table and munching on his breakfast “What’s wrong, can’t you sleep sweetheart? Are you in pain?”

“I’m okay.” Yuzuru says, and of course in that moment he has to yawn.

“You need sleep.” she says, and he smiles in hope to ease her worry.

“It’ll be okay once nights get a little colder.”

At least that’s what he hopes for, because he doesn’t know how long he can go on like that, how to get strong and healthy when his body and mind feel weak and haunted. 

Training is a bit tough, but he manages, if not counting the damn salchow, frustration bubbling in his throat as he gets up after yet another fall. He can’t really remember when was the last time he landed it properly, and he bites on his lower lip to prevent himself from cursing or crying.

“We’ll get there.” Brian smiles with encouragement when Yuzuru skates closer “Good job today.”

“Thanks.” Yuzuru mumbles, not happy with himself, but then a sudden idea appears in his brain “Brian, is there- is someone named Javi training here?”

He knows the butchers the name a little, but at the same time it feels oddly familiar, two syllables rolling from his tongue with surprising ease. 

“Javi? I don’t think so.” Brian narrows his eyes, humming quietly in wonder “No, for sure not. Why?”

“I met some lady yesterday. She was looking for someone.” Yuzuru explains and Brian nods.

“Maybe she mixed up places.”

“Maybe.” Yuzuru agrees, but he doesn’t think that’s the case.

His mom is busy that day too, a visit to the embassy on her list, so Yuzuru is destined to go back home on his own. He’s not used to that, but he kind of enjoys that opportunity now, hoping that maybe a walk would clear his head. The day is warm, but the wind is blowing softly, feeling pleasant against his sweaty forehead. 

He walks slow, and as he reaches the bus stop and glances at the schedule, he decides to go to the next one, feeling restless and knowing that being alone at home wouldn’t bring him any good now. So he wraps his fingers around the handle of his bag a little tighter and moves, eyes scanning the surroundings absently. 

Yuzuru is just passing a coffee shop when he stops suddenly, rooted to the spot as he sees a familiar silhouette on the other side of the glass, hunched shouders and cascade of brown hair, hands pressed against the face in a hopeless, defeated gesture. 

He knows he should resume his journey home, but his heart picks up, and he can’t, he truly can’t walk away, and before he can think it through properly, he turns and pushes the door to the shop open.

“Hello.” he says, standing next to the table awkwardly and the woman from the day before raises her head abruptly, eyes widening in surprise.

“Hi, Yuzu.” she whispers, and the way she says his name makes Yuzuru shiver “Do you, um-”

“I just saw you.” he says, gesturing at the window stiffly “Did you find your brother?” he blurts out and her face crumples, these beautiful eyes shimmering with hurt, and Yuzuru swallows with difficulty.

“I, hm, can I?” he asks, and she nods, watching him silently as he sits down, and Yuzuru asks himself what the hell is he doing. He doesn’t even know her, but he can’t help it, that odd feeling inside him urging him to talk to her, to learn more, to help her. There is something about her, and the way she looks at him like she knows him, with zero of that starstruck expression people tend to wear around him. Her eyes are dark and sad, but he can’t miss the trace of warmth lingering in there, someting solid and deep-rooted, like a tiny, beautiful flower.

“My name is Laura.” she says, and Yuzuru nods, even though the name doesn’t ring a bell, exactly, but he chooses to focus on the woman in front of him and not his memory.

“It’s very nice to meet you.” he says politely and she almost smiles, a corner of her mouth twitching.

“We met before.” she says “But I know you don’t remember.”

“I’m sorry.” he offers and Laura skakes her head as if in resignation.

“It’s okay. I didn’t expect you to. Not after-” she makes a vague gesture with her hand, and Yuzuru opens his mouth to say something, anything, but then a pretty waitress appears and asks if he would like to order something.

“I-” Yuzuru hesitates, and licks his lips, and then speaks without thinking “I would like a coffee.”

“What coffee?” she asks, and then smiles kindly when he sees his confusion “I could bring you a black one with sugar and milk on the side so you can add how you like?”

“Thank you.” Yuzuru smiles and then looks back at Laura who’s watching him with an expression that is both upset and fond “I’m real sorry I don-”

“I would like to tell you something, if it’s okay.” Laura cuts him off, determined “You’ll think I’m crazy, probably. For sure, but I- I don’t know what-” she closes her eyes for a second, and breathes deeply “Also I’m sorry, I know this must be so weird for you. I swear I don’t stalk you, it’s just, I don’t know, I don’t know where to go.”

“It’s okay.” Yuzuru mutters, overwhelmed, and he’s grateful for that little moment of break when the waitress is back with his coffee “I-” he hesitates, swallowing hard “I hope I will be able to help you.”

He hasn’t planned to say this, but his words are genuine, and Laura gives him a ghost of a smile. Maybe it’s foolish of him, to be so trusting, but he can’t treat her like just some random stranger, becaue somehow he knows, he feels that there’s a connection between them that he can’t deny.

“I have a brother.” Laura says, quiet and a little trembling, finger wrapping around her cup “His name is Javi and he’s the sweetest person I know, and two months ago I woke up in the world without him, where no one remembers him.”

Yuzuru blinks, confusion seeping into his skin, but he stays quiet, not wanting to upset her.

“It’s just, I-” Laura stumbles over her words “I woke up, and saw his cat sleeping on my bed, and he was supposed to be here, in Toronto. So I went to his room, and it’s not his room anymore, and our parents-” she stops, her voice thick with hurt, and the moment of silence gives Yuzuru a second to think. He doesn’t really understand what she’s talking about, but he doesn’t want to interrupt her now.

“Maybe I’m going crazy.” she says quietly “But I’m the only person who remembers him. No one else, even our parents. All the pictures, the medals, his things, it’s all gone. And no one remembers him, even you.”

“Me?” Yuzuru asks dumbly and Laura chuckles, although it sounds more like a sob.

She puts her elbows on the table and hides her face in her hands for a brief moment before she looks at him with something strange in her eyes.

“Yuzu, did you win the last world championships?”

“I did.” Yuzuru says instantly “I-” he starts and then stops “I did.” he repeats, louder than before, even though there is something odd and uncomfortable feeling forming inside his chest.

Laura looks at him, no sign of surprise on her face.

“Why did you come to Toronto?”

Yuzuru stares at her, and tries to recall all those memories, and he’s annoyed when all he finds is a blur, scrapes of conversations, feelings and emotions he can barely remember. 

Why did he do that, exactly? And why suddenly he can’t remember that boy he used to be at seventeen years old?

“I just wanted to train with Brian.” he says and Laura looks at him, a long, drawn out stare that carries more Yuzuru can ever imagine.

“Okay.” she says, voice quiet and flat “Okay.”

Yuzuru clears his throat, shifting uncomfortably.

“So he’s a skater too?”

“He is.” Laura says “A great one. And also your training partner.” 

“No.” Yuzuru shakes his head, and takes a sip of coffee, swallowing past the lump in his throat. It tastes bitter, so he adds some milk and sugar, and notices that his hand is trembling a little.

“I don’t know what happened.” Laura whispers, looking like she’s about to cry “Even my parents… they think I’ve gone crazy, and they don’t remember, but I see they feel it, somehow. My mom can’t sleep, and my dad… I don’t know, I thought that maybe you would know. That maybe you remember.”

Yuzuru doesn’t know what to say, and he can’t look at her anymore, so he galnces down, trying to make sense out of what she’s saying. It sounds ridiculous, crazy even, and the sane and collected part of Yuzuru’s brain tells him to go and leave before the situation turns even weirder. The story is unbelievable, and the fact that Laura seems totally convinced, it doesn’t mean any of that is real, but Yuzuru can’t deny the odd feeling in his gut telling him not to leave her.

They fall silent for a moment, space between them filled with clinking of porcelain and muffled chatter. And then Laura looks at him again, suddenly looking very calm, but not resigned, her eyes shining.

“I know how this sounds. I know that it looks like I’m losing my mind, but I didn’t make it up. I couldn’t just imagine that love, and it feels like a part of me is gone. I just-” her voice broke and Yuzuru’s heart aches when he sees a few tears escaping her eyes and rolling down her pale cheeks. He still can’t really believe the story she’s telling, but at the same time he can't treat it like some fairytale, because he can tell that her pain is real, that she’s in agony that seems to be hopeless.

“I’m so sorry.” he mumbles, because he has no idea what to say “I don’t remember.”

She sniffles and nods, taking a few moments to collect herself before she speaks again.

“I know this is surreal. But I’m desperate, and I thought that maybe the bond you have-” she exhaled deeply, and shrugged in a little, almost defeated gesture “But I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to give up, I can’t give up, but what am I supposed to do.”

Yuzuru chews on his bottom lip, not sure what to do. Maybe she’s delusional, maybe she’s out of her mind, but there’s a strong voice inside his head telling him that he can’t leave her, that it would be the worst thing he has ever done. 

“So you don’t have any picture of him?” he asks, and she shakes her head, looking like she’s about to cry again.

“Everything is gone. Like he never existed.”

Yuzuru nods, ignoring the little voice telling him that it’s very convenient, absolutely zero proof to back her story up. 

“Maybe someone could draw him.” he offers, his mind set on problem-solving even now, and Laura gasps, eyes widening, and she freezes for a moment before reachinf for her bag so quickly she almost knocks her cup to the floor. 

“This is brilliant, oh god.” she mumbles, typing in her phone furiosuly, and then she stops for a moment and looks up at him “Yuzu, do you believe me?”

She says his name with such warmth, familiarity and fondness Yuzuru can’t help it- he smiles, just a little, and decides to trust his rapidly pounding heart.

* * *

  
  


“You’re not going home?” Jun asks when they step out of the club on the next day and Yuzuru turns right and doesn’t head to the parking lot.

“I have a meeting.”

“Meeting?” Jun raises his eyebrows, clearly curious but too polite to dig “Well, I will see you tomorrow then!”

That went smoothly, unlike the morning conversation with his mother, who seemed to be quite shocked at Yuzuru’s announcement that he was going to meet a friend after training. She bombarded him with a thousand questions and only let him go when he promised to answer all her texts immediately. He walks to the park nearby, sun warm against his skin, and he wonders what’s awaiting for him. Laura has promised to bring the drawing with her, and Yuzuru feels a low fire of excitement simmering inside him. 

He hasn’t really talked with anyone about it, although he briefly talked with Nobu, who even without knowing half of the details claimed that she belonged in a mental institution. And okay, Yuzuru can see why he would think that, but he can’t dismiss her, can’t just ignore that odd force that seems to be pushing him towards her, he can’t shake off the feeling like he knows her, somehow, and that he knows her eyes, beautiful and gentle. He has slept badly again, haunting by her face scrunched in pain and some voice, words he can’t recall completely yet that still seem to be ringing in the back of his head. 

Laura looks a bit different than the day before, still exhausted but more put together, her hair pulled up in a bun, yellow blouse in the place of the grey t-shirt. Her smile when she sees him is genuine and she smiles back, sitting on the bench next to her.

“Hi.” he says, turning to face Laura “How are you?”

“Okay.” she says, fiddling with a zipper of her bag before opening it “I, um, I have the drawing, it’s-” her voice cacthes a little as she fishes a sheet of paper and looks at it for a moment before handing it to Yuzuru.

Whoever drew that picture was undoubtedly very skilled, but Yuzuru can’t appreciate that now, his eyes tracing the face in front of him, and he feels his heart picking up a quick, harsh rhyth. The man is handsome, his features resembling Laura’s so much there is no question that they are related, and when Yuzuru shifts his gaze to the eyes, something flickers inside him, a little arrow of hot, nagging pain.

He has never seen that man before, and yet his heart keeps on pounding, his chest aching numbly, and there’s something, a thought, an image, a memory, floating somehwere just on the edge of his consciousness and he’s not able to grasp it. He shudders, and the paper almost slips from his fingers, his hands starting to tremble. He hands the drawing to Laura and leans forward, hiding his face in his hands and trying to breathe, because there’s tightness in his chest, and he inhales sharply, greedily, pushing the air past the knot in his throat. But it’s not enough, and he feels panic flooding his veins, some unnamed, petryfing fear blocking his airways. Blood is pounding in his ears and he can barely hear Laura saying something, her tone worried, hand touching his shoulder gently.

He doesn’t see anything, eyes closed and face hidden in his hands, but he hears Laura shifting and she takes his hand carefully, asking him softly to look at her.

“We breathe together, okay?” she asks quietly and Yuzuru chokes on air, but he tries, looking in these beautiful, painfully familiar eyes. Laura smiles kindly and moves her hands, caressing tender skin behind his ears, and for a moment they were just breathing, and after a moment the pressure in his chest eases, and after a couple more minutes he’s starting to feel much better.

“Thank you.” he mumbles, voice tiny bit hoarse, and Laura smiles, nodding before getting up and sitting next to him again.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah.” Yuzuru assures her, swallowing hard “I-” he hesitates, not sure what to say, how to name what’s going on inside him. He still doesn’t remember Javi, he has no memory of even one moment spent together, but his body seems different, seems to know something he’s not aware of.

“Javi told me once, that it happens.” Laura says suddenly and Yuzuru’s head snaps up, his aching heart skipping a beat “And that it’s important, to… that you’re not alone.”

Yuzuru nods numbly, and then all of the sudden he feels tears prickling in his eyes. Laura told him before that she felt as if there was a piece of her missing, and he can feel it now, a hollow space right next to his heart cold and aching, a reminder that he lost something too.

And maybe that’s the moment when he decides that he believes her, completely and without a shadow of doubt. And he’s certain that it’s all connected, the mystery of Javi’s disappearing, his troubles with sleep, all these feelings haunting him during his days and nights.

“I think I need something to eat.” he laughs weakly, and Laura gives him a pale smile “And you can tell me more about Javi, and maybe we can figure out what to do.”

“So you-” Laura sucks in a breah “You believe me?”

Yuzuru’s gaze drops to the drawing still laying between them, and his skin crawls with longing.

“I do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so do u remember how I pinky promised not getting over 3 chapters... but if I split the last one into two because it's so long it would be justified right???

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading <333


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